Finding happiness in the darkest of places

Blogger, Podcaster, Photographer.

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jenslawrence:

These are a few of my favourite things (◡‿◡✿) Guardians of the Galaxy (2014)

I look around at us, you know what I see? Losers. I mean, like, folks who have lost stuff. And we have, man, we have! All of us! Our homes, our families, normal lives. And usually life takes more than it gives, but not today. Today it’s given us somethin’. It has given us a chance. To give a shit. For once, not run away.

(via m-erida)

Filed under fandom: dysfunctional super family

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Proper Q glasses came in, little metal dots at the corners and all.  Now I just need to get them adjusted from being crooked in the mail.

Proper Q glasses came in, little metal dots at the corners and all. Now I just need to get them adjusted from being crooked in the mail.

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RENT said a lot of things.  There is a reason so many people hold it near and dear to their hearts.  RENT taught a lot of people about life and love and presented those things in ways that were a little bit revolutionary.

I think that one of the most lasting impacts RENT has had on me though is one of it’s shortest and simplest songs, one that often gets overlooked and forgotten in the larger scope.

 ”Will I lose my dignity?
  Will someone care?
  Will I wake tomorrow from this nightmare?”

A few short, simple lines.  No elaborate turns of phrase or rollicking wit, just a very plain, very human statement.

As someone who has been chronically ill for a long time, who has had to discuss things like Advanced Directives since I was barely 18, since I simultaneously inherited the right to make my own decisions and the knowledge that my illnesses meant a risk that someone else would be deemed a better judge of what was best for me, those few short lines are a sentiment that is incredibly real but that is rarely ever talked about.

Disability acceptance in a thing now.  Ableism is a discussion.  And still, for me and for a lot of other chronically ill people, living with a chronic illness is often living in fear.  Because regardless of how hard I try, there are things that my body will never let me do.  That list of things is likely to get longer.

While the fear and the sadness and the longing for a life that one never really knew are dangerous and disabling if you let the overwhelm you, to act as if it’s shameful to ever be afraid or sad erases a very real part of what being chronically ill is for many people.

It is okay to ask the questions.  It is okay to be afraid and to feel hopeless and to mourn the life you could have lived had things been different.  An illness or disability fundamentally changes things.  It takes away things and breaks promises of what life you could have.  There is still absolutely life with an illness or disability.  There are things you can fight for, adapt, find new ways to pursue.  It is okay to be angry still sometimes years after you knew.  Accepting an illness does not mean being okay with it all of the time.  It means recognizing it, respecting that it is not your fault, and moving forward, living, in whatever ever ways you can.  But to pretend that it changes nothing is a disservice to the people who have to live with the changes.

I may not have the life I thought I would.  I may not ever have that life.  I fear losing the things I do have often in the dark and quiet moments.  I have several illnesses that fundamentally changed the scope of my life, that added doctors appointments that monopolize what little time I’m not working, that sap my energy in the time that’s left, that drain what little money I make just to stay floating.  It’s okay to not be thrilled about that sometimes.

(Source: Spotify)

Filed under sick kid blogging

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Rules: Once you’ve been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 92 Truths about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you.

I was tagged by abbylynne

WHAT WAS YOUR:

  1. Last Beverage: Cherry Jasmine tea
  2. Last phone call: called my mom to check on financial things.  thrilling, I know
  3. Last text message: Sent: “You’re very important to me too.  I miss you a lot.  Today hasn’t been too bad, I just wish I could sleep decently.”
  4. Last song you listened to: Latch by Disclosure because ALWAYS
  5. Last time you cried: Sunday because I was feeling really ill and just sort of overwhelmed.

HAVE YOU EVER:

  1. Dated someone twice: Never.
  2. Been cheated on: Yup, with two other people at the same time, and we all knew each other and were unaware of any of the other people.  
  3. Kissed someone and regretted it: Not really.  Not been enthusiastic or thrilled about it, sure, but not ever actual regret.
  4. Lost someone special: I suppose this depends on context.  Romantically, no, I’ve never really been so attached.  In general, I believe that people who want to leave you aren’t worth trying to hold on to.
  5. Been depressed: Yup.  That’s how I more or less flunked out of my first college, among other things.
  6. Been drunk and threw up: Nope.

LIST THREE FAVORITE COLORS:

  1. Sage Green
  2. Maroon
  3. Cobalt Blue

Last year (2013), have you:

  1. Made a new friend: Absolutely.  Many of them.
  2. Fallen out of love: Not really.  Maybe with ideas, but not with people.
  3. Laughed until you cried: Oh yeah.
  4. Met someone who changed you: Definitely.  Yo guys know who you are.
  5. Found out who your true friends are: Yes.  I know who’s going to be there for me.And I know who won’t be.
  6. Found out someone was talking about you: *shrug* As per usual.  Let them talk.
  7. Kissed anyone on your FB friends list: Sadly no.

GENERAL:

  1. How many people on your FB friends list do you know in real life: Most of them.  Most are people that I met through various events and things I go to, Leakycon, Quidditch, etc.

FIRSTS:

  1. First surgery: Never actually been operated on.  Well, had a tooth pulled if oral surgery counts.
  2. First piercing: My ears were pierced when I was 7ish maybe?
  3. First best friend: I don’t know that I ever really had a best friend.  I never really got attached until recently, and then there was a community more than a hierarchy.
  4. First sport you joined: Gymnastics when I was really little, figure skating later.  Both didn’t go terribly well because of being super injury prone before I knew why.
  5. First vacation: Proper trip vacation would probably be New York when I was 5 to see Beauty and the Beast on Broadway.
  6. First pair of trainers: as in sneakers?  Probably something heinous and oshkosh

RIGHT NOW:

  1. Eating: whole wheat bread with nutella because I am bad at dinner today.
  2. Drinking: Still cherry jasmine tea.
  3. I’m about to: Try to sleep some, we’ll see how that goes.
  4. Listening to: Taboo playing on Netflix
  5. Waiting for: October 3-5 is my next weekend off and I want to see people real bad.  Ohio, I’m coming.

YOUR FUTURE:

  1. Want kids: Possibly.  I’d like to adopt a kid or two if that becomes possible.
  2. Get married: Maybe.  I’m not overly attached to the idea, but if I found the right partner and it was important to them maybe.
  3. Career: Photographer, in one capacity or another.

WHICH IS BETTER:

  1. Lips or eyes: Eyes.
  2. Hugs or Kisses: Hugs.
  3. Shorter or Taller: Taller, probably.  Though either works and has benefits.
  4. Older or younger: older or mature enough
  5. Romantic or Spontaneous: Spontaneous
  6. Nice stomach or nice arms: both are pretty abstract to me.
  7. Sensitive or Loud: Sensitive.
  8. Hook-up or relationship: Relationship.
  9. Trouble maker or hesitant: A bit of both?  Like, up to no good but knows the time and place.

HAVE YOU EVER:

  1. Kissed a stranger: Yes.
  2. Drank hard liquor: No
  3. Lost glasses/contacts: Yup
  4. Sex on first date: Nah, not my thing.
  5. Broke someones heart: Not that I’ve been informed of, but it’s possible?
  6. Been Arrested: No.
  7. Turned someone down: Yeah, it happens.
  8. Cried when someone died: Mostly angry, but yeah, there was some crying.  I don’t deal well.
  9. Fallen for a friend: Yup.

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

  1. Yourself: Some days.  Good friends help to convince me.
  2. Miracles: I believe that there are things we don’t yet understand.
  3. Love at first sight: Not really.  
  4. Heaven: Maybe, but I don’t bank on it.
  5. Santa claus: Nope
  6. Kiss on the first date: Depends on the date.
  7. Angels: In the Good Omens sense, sure.

Brain, tagging people, we’re going to give this an attempt.  I’m going to go with notyoudavebrown, babylassiter, fandomsprince, landslides-masquerades, permets-tu, obsessionsofanerd, smithslosteyebrows, katierthanyou, nerdofthestage, and airefawn

Filed under about me