Happy birthday! I’m 27 and going to college. Age doesn’t matter, you just get it done when you can.
I also appreciate this a lot, because sometimes norms get in the way of the idea that we’re all awesome in whichever way works and that’s okay and norms are silly.
melissaanelli replied to your post: On Birthdays
Sometimes you’re having a crappy day and things like this happen and suddenly there’s this realization that the community that I belong to is kind of kick ass.
Thank you. So much. It means more than you know.
Today I turn 24 years old.
My facebook wall is full of well wishes, most a simple three word variation, some from people I’m close to but most casually left by acquaintances and other various people in my life or peripheral to it.
The endless wall seems mostly hollow. Not to the fault of those posting these messages, just in my perception. The same words, over and over again. Additions of “I hope you have a great day!”
The problem is that sometimes a birthday is more a solemn badge of honor than a celebration. It’s an acknowledgement that I’ve made it another year. I’ve trudged another year past my demons and my illnesses. I’ve kept my head above for one more year. The thing about birthdays for sick people (or at least for me) is that it’s another reminder of how little things change, and how much more you have ahead of you.
It’s a reminder that I’m 24 years old and still haven’t graduated college. It’s a reminder that time continues to pass while I don’t make much progress. It’s a reminder of the people that aren’t in my life anymore and the people that are but are too busy.
It’s a bit of a mixed bag. I’m here, and most days I’m better than I have been in a while. I’ve made it 24 years, even if a lot of that has been kicking and screaming and hoping that things improve soon. I’ve had my photos used by regional musicians and published in RVA magazine. I’m going to be a volunteer photographer for Leakycon this year. I’m hosting a panel at Leakycon this year. I’m more invested in the Quidditch community than I was a year ago, and actually looking at ways to get involved.
I’m here, and I’m not doing too shabby, in the grand scheme of things. Maybe today won’t be spectacular, maybe it won’t even be good, but it’s still a benchmark. It’s still something I’ve done, and that’s worth something.
I’m constantly stuck wondering whether I’m being unreasonable or my illness is making me be.
Had a meltdown in a mediation meeting this morning and had the closest thing to a full blown panic attack that my anixety has ever caused. Was told that I was being disrespectful and that if I needed a minute to “collect myself” I should step outside. Was asked if I had some issue, then told that the adviser didn’t want details when I tried to explain. Still not sure if I was being a mess or not.
Have next to no appetite and just want to sleep or cry right now. Not sure if I’m having a depressive episode or if I just don’t know how to deal with stress and can’t handle college.
Need to get disability paperwork filed but don’t have any idea where to even begin on school accommodations because I just feel so unable to do anything right now.
Things aren’t even that bad right now, but I don’t know what to do and I feel so unbalanced.
I get to see good friends this weekend. I’ll be okay. I can get to that. These classes are almost over, and I have As in everything right now. I will get through this quarter, and then I have break and Warped Tour and Leakycon and everything will be okay. I will make it okay. I just wish it felt okay more.
I have that stupid mediation meeting tomorrow morning with my professor and adviser. I’m not excited. Class today with that professor was pretty awful, so anxious I felt sick to my stomach and on the verge of tears for half the class.
Nevermind that I have to film our entire commercial shoot in Vid101 tomorrow after this meeting and take a quiz in Art History, then come back to the apartment and do a photoshoot for a project. I just want to sleep. I want to call in sick. I want to not have to knuckle down and suck it up just because I’m not going to stop being sick any time in the near future.
I’ll be okay though. I’ll get through this week. I have birthday plans over the weekend with a few close friends. I’ll be okay.
It will be a paper copy next year once they all come out :)
iblameitonthenargles replied to your post: Want to read the Bane Chronicles
Also you can read them on smartphones if you don’t have an e-reader.
Cool, I’ll pick it up when the paper copy comes out then. :)
Regarding smartphones, not everyone can read ebooks period, let alone on a smartphone. I’m not trying to argue, I just want to point out that ebook formatting is not a thing that everyone is compatible with. I don’t retain information well when using ebooks on desktop for text because the text doesn’t really flow the same way it does in page to page formats. While ebooks are certainly improving (paperwhite displays that cause less eye strain, e-readers that mimic a book page format in general, etc.) they still present an issue in type size and format on many devices and in many formats.
I’m sure the suggestion to use a smartphone was meant to be helpful, I just wanted to explain a bit that the format wouldn’t really work for me unless I was able to get a decently sized (small paperback-ish) paperwhite style screen reader.
maureenjohnsonismypatronus replied to your post: Want to read the Bane Chronicles
from what I understand once they are all released they are going to make it into one giant collection and publish it :D
This is excellent news. :) Any idea if there’s a plan for how many stories there will be in full? I don’t recall if they ever announced how many there would be.
Unfortunately, it appears they only come in ebook and audiobook flavors, and I have no e-reader and can’t really focus on audiobooks for new material most times.
I suppose I’ll just sit around and hope it becomes a paper book type compilation thing eventually.
I remember looking at the clock when I woke up. I remember how present the idea of the time going away was after that. Every time I glanced over, time was gone, I was closer to having to go. Even when I didn’t look, I knew it was there.
I’m probably just in a peculiar mood, but that’s one of the most vivid memories.
I have a love hate relationship with expiration dates, with knowing things are finite, with the idea that everything ends. On some level, I understand that if I knew it wasn’t ever going to end, it wouldn’t matter. It stings something fierce to leave though, to lose the time. It feels like such a waste. I’m a little more balanced about it now though. It’s a little less hectic inside my head.
However improbably, I may actually get nice things and the world doesn’t feel so much like it’s going to crash down around my ears at any second. Habits this old don’t break easy, and I’m sure that it’ll take some time before I stop doubting and waiting for the worst, but I’m not expecting the worst anymore. I’m starting to grasp that I maybe have something good, and that this time it’s genuine and doesn’t just seem like a good thing until I figure out what’s actually up.